By David Shield
‘Dad, it’s Saturday. Why do I have to go and chase that dumb Ram down?’ Wade complained even as he hitched up the girth strap on his grey horse. ‘I’m meant to be going to Jimmy’s place.’
‘Because Captain Woolsy is the best Marino Ram in the country and he belonged to your grandfather. It’s the wool off his back that pays for everything around here,’ Dad explained in his country burr. Dad was a big man, easily able to lift Wade up if he wished. His ancient Akubra hat looked old enough to draw a pension, his jeans and shirt were so worn there was more patch than cloth. He could have been an extra on any Australian movie—the quintessential cowboy. Only the single amethyst hanging on a silver chain around his neck looked out of place. A gift from Wade’s mum before she died. ‘Now get up on Gandalf here, take your lunch and get moving. I have to fix that fence you broke before more sheep escape. Don’t come back without him!’
Wade knew that voice, it meant do it, or you’ll wedgied from the fence post later.
Swinging up onto Gandalf’s saddle, Wade made sure his own Akubra hat was firmly on his blonde head before starting out.
Stupid sheep! Captain Woolsy is always escaping. It’s not my fault Gandalf kicked the fence post down. Not that it matters. It’s not like that fool sheep is lost. He always comes back in a day without a scratch just to spite us. I don’t know why Dad is so fond of him, it’s not like Grandad could’ve really owned him.
Wade sighed again as the fields turned into scrub and then into the grey green leaves of the bush. Scribbly gums stood as silent watchmen on the rough path to the upper water hole; always Captain Woolsy’s favourite place to sneak off to.
Don’t you ever get bored of just standing there? Wade silently questioned the trees as he passed.
‘I wish I could go to the city; Dad never takes me. I wish I could go shopping or see a movie on a big screen or go to the beach. That would be awesome.’
Gandalf huffed as if to say take me with you.
‘Don’t worry boy, I won’t leave you behind. I wonder what it would be like to ride you along a beach with the waves lapping at your hooves?’
A kookaburra started laughing, as if mocking the audacity of the thought. ‘I know, I know. I’m stuck here chasing sheep for the rest of my life. You don’t have to rub it in.’
Soon the rising granite boulders of Camel’s Back Ridge began to shoot up like grey statues of forgotten gods. It was full of little crevices and maze-like pathways; his dad had forbidden him from exploring on pain of being fed nothing but broccoli for a week. The trees grew thicker. Away from the main grazing pastures of the sheep, the wind rustled through the gum leaves like dull windchimes, and the sickly-sweet smell of the tree’s flowers filled his nose, making him sneeze.
Better than the smell of sheep poo, at least.
Gandalf let out a happy neigh as they neared the waterhole, an oasis of cool in the heat of the outback sun. Already, sweat was dripping down Wade’s back in rivulets of uncomfortable stickiness. The waterhole gleamed, enticing as a siren’s song.
‘If he’s not there, maybe I can go for a quick swim,’ Wade said aloud. ‘It’s not as nice as Jimmy’s dam, but it’s better than nothing.’
Then Wade saw a flash of white wool and twisted horns.
From a high boulder, the impressively sized Captain Woolsy gazed down on horse and rider with magnificent arrogance for a moment, before leaping with uncanny grace into a crevice. Its bleats seemed to mock Wade’s desire to relax.
Wade cursed and tied Gandalf to a tree before he grabbed his trusty rope and launched into a helter-skelter pursuit through the rocks of Camel’s Back Ridge.
‘Come back here sheep, or it’s mutton for dinner!’ Wade called after the animal. Captain Woolsy bounded away contemptuously. Wade hesitated for a moment, his father’s warnings ringing in his ears as he gazed into the labyrinth of pathways between the rocks. ‘If that fool sheep breaks an ankle in there, it will be my fault somehow, I just know it!’ Wade gritted his teeth and started to scramble towards the crevice the sheep had bolted down. A cockatoo cackled in the distance as Wade jumped from rock to rock deeper and deeper into the sun-dappled glades within.
Wildflowers went unnoticed as the form of Captain Woolsy maddeningly vanished time and time again. The ram stopped for a moment and Wade tried a wild cast of his lasso only for the sheep to jump away again, it’s spiteful bleating echoing off the walls.
I swear, I will not be a sheep farmer! Rage for the animal fuelled him on, his lungs burned as he leaped from rock to rock, shimmying down a scree only to have to scramble up another boulder a moment later.
Captain Woolsy leapt a particularly large boulder, more like a gazelle than a ram, and Wade launched himself after, scurrying up the granite surface, his eyes firmly on his prey. A scree of lose stones met his feet and Wade slid after the ram into another glade. Wade glanced up and saw the ram stop. He didn’t hesitate, hurling his lasso around Captain Woolsy’s neck. The creature barely seemed to notice. The sheep didn’t bleat, didn’t twitch, he just stood there, statue still. Woolsy, you dumb sheep! Let’s go home, before dad makes me ride Gandalf naked to Jimmy’s for taking too long.’ Wade yanked on the lasso in frustration, but the animal was rooted to the ground, like the granite rocks that soared overhead and formed the strange grotto. ‘It’s kind of pretty here,’ Wade said aloud and gazed around. It was only then that Wade saw why the sheep was still.
In the middle clearing sat a flying saucer, half buried under a strangler fig.
Wade’s eyes felt like they would fly out of his head, he knew he was gaping like an idiot, but the silver dish-like craft was sitting right there in front of him. Just like something out of a sci-fi novel. Bigger than the barn, the exposed metal near the open gangway glistened in the morning sun.
‘Back away from the fugitive, human!’
A posh, British accented voice brought Wade back to the present. Looking down, he saw a sheep dog sized octopus covered completely in purple fur, wearing copper rimmed glasses and holding what appeared to be some sort of ray gun. ‘There’s a good lad. He’s extremely dangerous; so it’s better to not get too close.’
‘I must have hit my head on a rock.’
‘Oh, must we go through this conversation like one of your species’ trashy space books? I’m an alien, you’re a human, he’s a criminal. Let’s just get on with it. It’s been a rather long day already.’
‘Are you going to probe me?’
‘No!’ The octopus shuddered. ‘I really don’t know why Zephorians think probing your species is so much fun, but Cephlopidics like myself have far better manners. Now, kindly hand over the criminal so I can blank your memory, and we can go back to our happy lives.’
‘What do you mean he’s a criminal? He’s my ram—or my dad’s ram. I can’t just let you take him. We’d go broke without the stud fees we get from renting him out.’
‘He’s not a ram, he’s a Zephorian. Give him half a chance and he’ll rob you blind before stealing your entire herd of— What do you call those fluffy things that look like him? Ah, yes, sheep. You have no idea what sort of dangerous criminal mastermind you are dealing with. Although, I must congratulate you on capturing him. Old Woolsy here has been a thorn in my side for three hundred standard years now,’ the octopus replied, floating closer. ‘Now, give me that restraining device you’ve used. I must say, it’s rather marvellous.’
‘It’s just a lasso: a piece of rope with a knot in it.’
‘Rope, you say? What a fascinating idea. Had I not stunned him, it would have worked, too. Marvellous.’
‘But what am I going to tell my dad? He loves Captain Woolsy, he’s the best stud from here to Winton,’ Wade complained. ‘And his wool sells better than any other.’ Why should I care? It might be better to get rid of the nuisance. This is probably just a dream, anyway. I’ll just wake up and it’ll be another day of chores, online school and more chores.
At that moment, Captain Woolsy seemed to come alive, bucking and throwing Wade from his feet, before charging towards the ship.
‘Quick, after him, human! Don’t let him get away!’
‘It’s Wade, not “human”’! Come back here, you wretched excuse for a mutton chop!’
The door to the flying saucer was open, and the ram leapt inside, hooves striking sparks on the strange, silvery metal ramp. Wade dashed after the ram, his body slick with sweat as he ran until he thought his lungs would burst. The ramp began to retract into the ship’s hull with silent mechanisms and Wade leapt, rolling neatly through the opening, his free hand dragging the purple octopus behind him. The ramp slammed shut with a clang of finality.
‘Oh, bother!’ the Octopus straightened his glasses and floated into the air after the abrupt landing. ‘That does make things harder. We must get to the bridge before he gets us into orbit. Quickly, Wade-human! We must use your excellent rope to capture this fiend, in the name of the Space Knights!’
‘Space Knights? That sounds like the name of a bad cartoon.’ Wade rubbed his painful shoulder and stood up.
‘It used to be Space Force, but that sounded even worse, let me tell you. Now, hurry along, we have no time to waste.’
‘You’re missing a tentacle,’ Wade pointed out.
‘Oh! I sent him to bring up my ship and call for reinforcements. Don’t worry, I wasn’t too fond of number six; I’ll grow a new one if he doesn’t return. Oh, I’m Knight Commander Angus, by the way. A pleasure to meet you, Wade-human.’
Wade reached out and shook the creature’s purple-furred tentacle gingerly; it was, thankfully, soft, not slimy like he imagined.
The ship lurched like a bucking bronco and hurled Wade to the floor once again.
‘You humans really need to invent gravity repulsing technology soon, you know; you all fall over an awful lot,’ Angus chided, adjusting his glasses; which were askew despite the space octopus’s lack of a visible nose.
‘I’ll get on it,’ Wade muttered sarcastically before following the octopus down the corridor. ‘I’m not saying I agree that Captain Woolsy is an alien, but what do you think he did?’
‘He stole the only known indigo blackhole diamond, ate the galaxy’s last copy of Learning to Love Your Armadillo, and trades in salves and endangered animals. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had a few in stasis from your world. Earth is full of interesting creatures. Oh, and he puts the milk in before adding the coffee. Not technically illegal, but it should be.’
‘Oh,’ Wade nodded. I’m even dreaming of sheep—not a good sign. Maybe if I really mess up, Dad will send me to a boarding school in the city and then I can be free of the wretched things. Looking out of a window, he saw the ship was now hovering over one of the stockades full of ewes. The ancient wooden fence barely contained the woolly horde as they panic before the strange object in the sky above them. Before Wade’s very eyes, the ship’s tractor beam whirred to life and the startled sheep were sucked up, like cockroaches into a vacuum cleaner.
‘Bother, I’m going to have to add sheep rustling to the charge sheet,’ Angus moaned. ‘My paperwork is going to triple.’
‘Paper? Don’t you use a computer?’
‘Not since the great AI strike seventy years ago; the lazy things kept demanding a pay rise or they’d replace every second word in everyone’s reports with “boobies”,’ Angus sighed, floating ahead. ‘Quickly now, the bridge is up here.’
The door slid open with a hiss, and, before them, Captain Woolsy stood on his hindlegs, his short front hooves bashing pads on the control panel like it was a giant keyboard.
‘Woolsy McSheepface. In the name of the Space Knights and by interstellar law, you are under arrest!’ Angus announced grandly, levelling his stun gun at the miscreant.
‘And put my dad’s sheep back!’ Wade yelled, hitching up and spinning his spare piece of rope.
‘Fools!’ Captain Woolsy turned from the control and maniacally tapped his front hooves together. ‘The ship is already programmed to automatically wormhole jump as soon as we leave the atmosphere. You are—baa—too late. For seventy years, I’ve hunted Earth for the best collection of species, languished until the heat died down, and my fool owners none the wiser. Now, it’s payday and I’m taking my harem with me. You couldn’t stop me stealing the diamond, and you won’t stop me getting away with it either. Now, Wade, put that nasty piece of rope down. You’ll fetch a better price on the slave market unharmed. I won’t hesitate to gore you if you resist. Or, maybe I’ll shave you, like you always took such delight in doing to me.’
‘What! You’re going to sell me? I fed you, sheared you, made sure you were warm and free of pests!’
‘Oh, don’t be a kid; your family would have sold me or turned me into mutton long ago if I didn’t produce the wool. Now, it’s your turn to feel what it’s like to be in a pen,’ Captain Woolsy bleated menacingly. Angus didn’t wait and fired his stun gun, only for the blast to crash into a force field in front of the rogue ram’s face, a rainbow of colours rippling across the energy shield.
‘Baa, you fool squid!’ Lord Woolsy tapped a pad on the floor.
‘It’s Octopuuuuus’ Angus screamed, as a trap door opened beneath them, and they fell into the bowels of the ship.
A faint blue glow illuminated the holding cells and cages around them full of animals in stasis: koalas, birds of paradise, Tasmanian tigers, marsupial lions, and a wombat the size of a bus.
‘I’m pretty sure some of these things are extinct,’ Wade exclaimed, his hand passing through the bars of electricity only to hit his shirt sleeve. The electric shock lashed through his body, throwing Wade across the cage.
‘Wade-human, are you quite alright? That looked rather painful. As to your question: yes, they possibly are extinct. Zephorian cloning technology is very impressive; the slightest amount of DNA would have been enough for him to create these creatures. On the black market, this is worth trillions. The DNA diversity of your planet is priceless. We must stop him—the risks of unknown diseases travelling throughout habitable space from these creatures is dire,’ Angus mused, seemingly lost in examining the electric bars. Gingerly, the octopus reached out with a fluffy tentacle, only to get zapped. ‘As I suspected, a static cage. How dastardly.’
‘So, what do we do? Do we wait for reinforcements or something?’
‘The ship has already jumped; it will take some time for my own ship to find us and catch up. I really should have sent Tentacle Eight, he’s far more reliable. Alas, we can’t wait for a rescue. He’ll sell you to a Gallopian slave trader the moment we land.’
‘It might be better than being stuck on a farm the rest of my life,’ Wade looked down at the singed cuff of his favourite riding shirt and rubbed the pain in his shoulder. ‘Angus, I’m not dreaming, am I?’
‘No, Wade-human, and I can assure you the life of a Gallopian slave is far from pleasant. Their poetry recitals are known to have wiped out nine different civilisations,’ the octopus patted Wade’s shoulder gently with a tentacle, and he felt the pain easing.
‘That’s amazing, what did you do?’
‘Oh, Cephellepodians can emit electrical pulses that restore the bodies of other organisms. It’s quite useful, really, more so than the ink cloud—that’s just embarrassing. By the way, do the red and blue parts of your body detach, by any chance?’
‘You mean my shirt and jeans? I can take them off, why?’
‘Oh marvellous. These static bars react to fibres like fur, if you can remove those parts of your body, you should be able to pass through the bars and deactivate this cage,’ Angus mused, rubbing the base of his pumpkin-like head with a tentacle.
‘You want me to get naked?’
‘Is that a problem? Is it like an exoskeleton and you’ll turn into a blob without it? I completely understand your aversion, but it would be the fastest way of escaping.’
‘No— I mean— you know, don’t you get embarrassed without clothes on?’
‘I’m not totally sure what these “clothes” things you speak of are, but I assure you, not having to listen to a Gallopian poetry recital is worth any embarrassment.’
‘Oh, fine,’ Wade gingerly agreed and started to unbutton his shirt. Shirtless, his bare arm slid through the bars. His hairs stood on end, but he was otherwise unaffected.
‘As I suspected. Now, get rid of the rest of those clothes things and push the big white button on the control panel over there,’ Angus instructed, fiddling with his stun gun.
‘Okay, fine, but you better not look!’ Wade waited for a wave of tentacles in agreement and stripped. Goose flesh formed on his skin as he kicked his undies aside. He passed through the glowing blue bars of energy, waiting to get zapped at any moment. Nothing happened and he scampered through, safely rushing over to the control panel. ‘Now, push the blue button,’ Wade muttered to himself, hitting the largest button on the control panel. Instantly the bars on all the cages vanished.
‘Marvellous!’ Angus cried, rushing over, dragging Wade’s clothes behind him. That was when Wade saw the giant wombat stir and come to life with a loud bellow.
‘Angus, behind you!’
Animals of every shape and form leapt at the octopus, seeing only the calamari special as they woke from stasis. Quick as a blink, Angus spun around and his stun gun roared to life, shooting in every direction with pulses of light, dropping all the creatures to the floor in a deep sleep, one by one, as the space octopus danced between them like a spider on a trapeze.
‘Phew, thanks for the warning, old chap! That thing might have flattened me. You realise I said the white button? The blue button was for general release, it seems.’ Angus breathed.
‘Sorry, I should have checked. I’m useless.’
‘Don’t say that, Wade-human, I should have checked if species can see the full colour spectrum. The colour Benicune is something of a rare one. No harm done, although my stun gun is flat, alas. Never mind, here are your clothes things back. We must move quickly, that button cut the power and is certain to have tripped an alarm. Captain Woolsy will be coming and armed. I believe your rope is stuck in in the chute too. We must hide till we can find a weapon.’
‘Just let me put my pants on,’ Wade quipped, yanking up his undies.
‘No time, I can hear his hooves already. Quick, into the next room,’ Angus dragged him through the doors, Wade clutching his jeans in one hand, the rest forgotten in the dash through a door into a roomful of abducted sheep.
‘This is the best stock of the farm! We’ll be ruined if these aren’t returned in time for market,’ Wade breathed, looking at the sea of sheep meandering around. ‘They might be dumb, but their wool is priceless.’
‘Wade-human, we might have to consider that this is a dead end before we think about how we return your flock.’
‘Now who’s the hunter, Wade? I’m coming for you! Baa!’ a voice echoed in the distance, punctuated by a malicious clip clop of hooves.
‘Quick, hide, we may have to wait for Tentacle Six to bring help.’ Angus flew over to the wall and instantly his fur changed colour to a near perfect match for the grey metal. ‘Oh, you can’t camouflage, can you?’
‘No,’ Wade hissed, trying not to chuckle at Angus’ previous statement, despite his body sweating with the stench of fear. A merino sheep was strong enough to drag a careless musterer from his horse; a smart, angry, armed space sheep was probably a lot worse. Wade’s body quaked shaking at the thought. Smart sheep? That’s it. it might just do it.
‘Oi, sheep move!’ Wade shouted as loudly as he could, cracking his jeans like a whip to startle the creatures towards the door in a wave of wool and legs. Just then, Captain Woolsy charged through door with his death ray, only to be engulfed by the woolly mass of his entire harem.
‘Oi, Martha what are you doing? Dorothy, stop pushing! Jannette, I’m warning you—’ Captain Woolsy shouted in the press, trying to stay upright but being pushed back nonetheless. It was enough. Leaping from behind the sheep, Wade jammed the legs of his jeans over Captain Woolsy’s horns, the seat of his pants covering the ram’s head entirely.
‘Oi! What’s going on? What did you do?’ Lord Woolsy cried, dropping his death ray to tear at the pants ineffectively with his hooves, his horn just cutting holes and making it even harder for him to get the offending pants off his head. As the sheep flailed back and forth blinded by pants and buffeted by sheep, Angus leapt from his hiding spot, grabbed the ram’s death ray and dropped the sheep rustler to the ground with a spinning seven tentacle karate chop across the back of the head.
‘Quick, help me to get him back to that cell. With wool like that, he’ll never get out.’ Angus instructed, wrapping a tentacle around the unconscious sheep’s leg. ‘Good job Wade-human. I see now why your species wears those pants things.’
‘What happens now?’ Wade asked, as they dragged Captain Woolsy’s stunned form through the hold.
‘I’ll take you and the sheep back to earth, along with the other creatures. Then my ship will meet me there and I can tow Captain Woolsy’s ship back to the flying saucer impound,’ Angus mused. ‘Then I’ll have to take Captain Woolsy to the station and go over the evidence—the paperwork for this is going to be a nightmare, you know. At last count, he’s committed over seven hundred separate crimes. I might have to get a statement from you before I blank your memory, the judge will like that. It would be easier if I had live witnesses, but I’ll manage. Don’t worry, you’ll be able to go back to your normal life in a few short hours.’
Back to a normal life huh? Wade thought. A sheep property in the back of Burke. Flies, sheep, boredom. ‘I could go with you, testify or whatever.’
‘Are you sure? That would be very helpful, but we could be gone from earth for a long time; several of your months, at least. The courts are quite backed up at the moment.’
‘I’m sure. Just one condition,’ Wade said, smiling as he put on his boots and Akubra hat. ‘Can I pick up a new set of pants before we go?’
‘Sure.’
